How can this happen?
What did I do wrong? Why now? Not everything was perfect, but it wasn't this bad. People always say to never say never, to never think you'll be different, to think that maybe this time will be different than the last. Maybe to you I was an answer of loneliness, but to me, you weren't. You were an answer to the question I once asked, "What is love?" I knew the answer.

This time last yearI had these same thoughts and feelings, will I next year, too? Why do I do this to myself? I should have known, but I hoped it would be different. Something like 95% of all long distance relationships break up within the first five months, I guess that's when things hit the fan for my relationship.

I didn't want the relationship to change, but you said you knew I would drink and party, and all that. I took that as you saying I could, otherwise, I still wouldn't know what getting drunk was.

With everything involved in the relationship, I thought the distance would be the least of our concerns. But we didn't have enough to talk about, I couldn't keep you interested anymore, so that means it's time for you to move on. This isn't all your fault, like I make it sound, it's mine too. I don't know what I've done, but I know I'm partly responsible.

I don't even know if you read this blog anymore, but if you do, next time you read this, know that I wanted to wait for you. You weren't comfortable or didn't like something, I'd change it. You have made me a better man, apparently I had no effect on you.

Sex Without Love
By
Sharon Olds

How do they do it, the ones who make love
without love? Beautiful as dancers,
gliding over each other like ice-skaters
over the ice, fingers hooked
inside each other's bodies, faces
red as steak, wine, wet as the
children at birth whose mothers are going to
give them away. How do they come to the
come to the come to the God come to the
still waters, and not love
the one who came there with them, light
rising slowly as steam off their joined
skin? These are the true religious,
the purists, the pros, the ones who will not
accept a false Messiah, love the
priest instead of the God. They do not
mistake the lover for their own pleasure,
they are like great runners: they know they are alone
with the road surface, the cold, the wind,
the fit of their shoes, their over-all cardio-
vascular health--just factors, like the partner
in the bed, and not the truth, which is the
single body alone in the universe
against its own best time.

Il Re Pastore
Il Re Pastore, performed by Sir Colin Davis.

It's nice here

Like summer, only colder, darker, and snowier
On the North side, I get no sun, makes me sad.
Vanity Fair should do an article on your beauty.
Even if i doesn't get the front cover.

Yet, I doubt it, since they suck.
Only when they do a piece on me will they do a piece on you.
U is a hard sentence starter, sorry.

It makes me so sad...
Niiki,

It makes me so sad, knowing how all of your previous relationships' negative parts have collaborated and affected our relationship so much. I wish I could take away all of your pain and heartache and mistrust, so we could be happier, there would be nothing I'd rather have.

Last night, after we talked about Logan, I thought for awhile. I thought about how much you had to trust him to do what you did. How much you had to love him... You said you only dated a few months, yet your relationship was obviously more than a bit of making out. And it angers me knowing that he has affected you like this. I could see it, in my head, and more than anything, it made me jealous. I so badly want to be that man I see in my head. I want you to know that I won't hurt you or cause you pain. I want you to know how much I truly love you. Someday I know I will, hopefully sooner than later. But no matter what, I want you to know I don't blame you for feeling how you feel, about sex, and being sad and disappointed, and angry at him, and not wanting to talk about him. I'm so sorry he had to treat you like that. I also want you to know that I am not angry with you, not angry a bit. I'm not angry or upset or disappointed or anything with you at all.

I know I always make it seem like sex is all that drives me, but there is so much more than that involved. Passion, in general is what I'm worried about. I'm afraid that you are afraid of being passionate. I know you don't want to always make out , but there is a reason behind that. I've got a lot of love in me, and I can't seem to make it ever go away. Never ever worry about losing me or pushing me away, or even me not being as trusting as you.

Strangely, this has only made me happier. I feel a bit more optimistic and a lot less afraid.

Love you.

YAY!
There's no more himisshakala.blogspot.com! I've won!!!! YAYAY!

Wish You Were Here
Niiki, I heard this song a bazillion times on my way to Tech... enjoy.

Love you!
Click here(right click: save as)

So, so you think you can tell Heaven from Hell,
blue skies from pain.
Can you tell a green field from a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?
And did they get you to trade your heroes for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change?
And did you exchange a walk on part in the war for a lead role in a cage?
How I wish, how I wish you were here.
We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year,
Running over the same old ground.
What have you found? The same old fears.
Wish you were here.

Sex can wait...
My girlfriend and I broke up awhile back, and then got back together just over a month ago. Our relationship has changed a lot, not so much making out, more talking and cuddling, which is nice. We've talked about it a lot, and I've got absolutely no problem with waiting, but lately it's all I've been able to think about.

I want to feel her warmth wrapped around me, and be inside of her, one soul, two bodies. I wish I knew the way things felt. I wish I could taste her as I gently caress her body with my kisses. I want to send goosebumps up her spine and sparks of pleasure down her legs. I want to feel her warm flesh pressed against mine as we climax. I want to make her feel things she's never felt before.

Thoughts like this probably don't help me want to wait, but in the end, they always do. I don't know how I will be in bed, I could be a minuteman, or a marathon runner. Still, I want to know, to learn, to please, to tease.

I don't want to have sex just for me, I want it to be for her too, which is why it's so worth the wait.

Hi again
Hello, again, I had this blog once, and got rid of it. It was a stupid thing to do, but I didn't feel the need to have it anymore, I wish I'd have kept it, though. So, it's back, for me to basically to write letters to my girlfriend.

So, I'm sorry, I deleted this and the letters, it makes me really sad. This one's staying for good.

Liking mucho.